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Redfix
Level 63
The Kind-Hearted
Joined: 6/27/2015
Threads: 97
Posts: 1,877
Posted: 10/6/2015 at 2:18 PM
Post #181
I agree.
Redfix
Level 63
The Kind-Hearted
Joined: 6/27/2015
Threads: 97
Posts: 1,877
Posted: 10/7/2015 at 7:35 AM
Post #182
You might wanna edit the submission deadline...^^
First page, First post.
Sameri
Level 60
The Kind-Hearted
Joined: 10/1/2015
Threads: 5
Posts: 104
Posted: 10/8/2015 at 3:50 PM
Post #183
Username: Sameri
How long have you been writing?: I...don't know? I suppose since high school? That's when I really took to writing.
Have you finished any stories/books/collections/etc?: Yes, I have a lot of short stories I've finished. You can find them on my chaosheart13 deviantart account and on my fanfiction account, which I won't be posting. :'D
Do you have any stories here? If so, please link them: Uh...do contests counts? If not then no. SINCE THEY COUNT, HERE YOU GO https://www.sylestia.com/forums/?thread=29651&page=3#27
Are you open to receiving critiques/comments?: Yes
Are you open to giving critiques/comments?: Yes
Edited By Sameri on 10/8/2015 at 5:50 PM.
GhostlyFours
Level 60
The Sweet Tooth
Joined: 8/28/2015
Threads: 61
Posts: 3,710
Posted: 10/8/2015 at 4:19 PM
Post #184
Tap Tap Tap I bolt up out of bed and look at my window, a strange shadow falling across it. I creep towards it and push back the curtains, covering my eyes quickly, so I don't have to see what mystery that lies behind them. After a few seconds, I peek out of my hands, and sigh in relief. "Oh, it's only the oak tree in the front yard," I laugh nervously and crawl back into bed, jumping out of it quickly because I feel something furry. I throw my sheets back, my breathing labored, as if I just ran a marathon, only to see it's a feather. "Stop, freaking out, Belle. It's just a feather." I chide myself, as I get back into bed, I swear I could hear scratching inside the walls. I close my eyes in fear and scoot to the wall, placing my ear on it. No noise and I sigh in relief, just before I pull my ear away, Scratchscratchscratch and as quickly as it started, it ended. I back away from the wall and fall off my bed in the process.
Close to tears, I run and hide in my closet, pulling piles of clothes on top of me, trying to shut out contact with the outer world. A few moments later, my breathing evens and I'm once again calm. I look through a little crack in the clothes and I see a shadow under my bed, it's waiting to grab me, I can tell. I tip-toe across the room, and sit just out of the shadows reach, "Why are you trying to scare me?" I ask it. The shadow twitches and makes a pointer... One that looks like a Ouijia board pointer, so I go to my closet, dragging a chair behind me. I step up on to the chair and pull out the dust-covered box.
I lay the box flat in front of the shadow. I take a deep breath and open the box, dust bunnies flying everywhere, placing everything where they're supposed to go. "Is this what you wanted?" I place my hands on the pointer, and without me moving, it goes to the Yes in the corner. I feel myself starting to sweat and the pointer moves to the No, "No what?" I ask the shadow. It takes a while to spell out, "No sweat, this your fault." I shake at the response, afraid to ask the next question, but it had to be asked... "What is my fault?" The pointer moves faster now, as if the shadow is getting use to the feel of moving it, "Why you scare, guilty conscience." I try to break contact and pull my hands away from the pointer, but it won't let me, as if my hands have been super-glued to the pointer. "No! Let me go!! I said let me g--"
The pointer moved on its own accord, "You kill me, now it's your turn..."
Edited By Mewsalot2017 on 10/12/2015 at 2:24 PM.
Redfix
Level 63
The Kind-Hearted
Joined: 6/27/2015
Threads: 97
Posts: 1,877
Posted: 10/8/2015 at 5:33 PM
Post #185
Great start! But just make sure not to switch your tenses, I noticed that you kept switching from past to present. Can't wait to see the rest!
Littletoes101
Level 60
The Kind-Hearted
Joined: 9/6/2015
Threads: 74
Posts: 658
Posted: 10/8/2015 at 5:41 PM
Post #186
Contests definitely count, and welcome to the club!
Sameri
Level 60
The Kind-Hearted
Joined: 10/1/2015
Threads: 5
Posts: 104
Posted: 10/8/2015 at 6:01 PM
Post #187
*kicks down a door* FOR THE PROOOOOOOMPT!!! Also, edited my post to add in the contest entry.
Awake
He's staring, lying awake in bed. He's staring at the ceiling and watching the lamp sway while his stomach rumbles and he groans in pain. How long was he going to stay stuck here, underground, without sunlight or food? Oh how he wanted to eat! But no, the person taking care of him was adamant on making sure he would stay down here.
He was a danger to others, of course. That was a given. It was written so. But he hadn't honestly killed anyone yet and god he was so hungry right now he just couldn't sleep... He groaned again and buried himself under the covers, glancing at his pale, ashen, bony hand. He wanted freedom now, more than anything. He wanted to be free and experience the outside like a regular person, though he was far from regular. And most of all, he wanted to eat. Even regular food would be a joy at this point, just...something. Anything.
He pretended to be flippant because it was written so, but right now there was a boiling hatred underneath his skin. A boiling hatred for her. Her, the girl that created him. Her, the girl that feared him. Her, the girl that trapped him. Oh yes, he was supposed to be without emotions, but anger and hatred were powerful things and he just wanted to eat god please...
Unable to sleep, he got out of bed and shuffled over to his violin. His one possession he was allowed to keep, other than the books that put his mind off of food and this underground place that wasn't even home. He went to it and began to play, faster and faster, angry notes that were in tune with his hatred. They were as scrambled as his thoughts, but he didn't mind. He made it all up as he went along. His eyes were narrow slits as he glared at the door. One day he would be free and that girl would get her just desserts. One day...
Edited By Sameri on 10/8/2015 at 6:02 PM.
GhostlyFours
Level 60
The Sweet Tooth
Joined: 8/28/2015
Threads: 61
Posts: 3,710
Posted: 10/8/2015 at 6:42 PM
Post #188
what do you mean? i dont see what you are talking about...
Redfix
Level 63
The Kind-Hearted
Joined: 6/27/2015
Threads: 97
Posts: 1,877
Posted: 10/8/2015 at 7:03 PM
Post #189
I bolded the tense switches
Tap Tap Tap. I bolt up out of bed and look at my window, a strange shadow falling across it. I creep towards it and push back the curtains, covering my eyes quickly, so I don't have to see what mystery that lies behind them. After a few seconds, I peek out of my hands, and sigh in relief. "Oh, it's only the oak tree in the front yard," I laugh nervously and crawl back into bed, jumping out of it quickly because I felt something furry. I throw my sheets back, my breathing labored, as if I just ran a marathon, only to see its a feather. "Stop, freaking out, Belle. It's just a feather." I chided myself, as I got back into bed, I swore I could've heard scratching inside the walls. I closed my eyes in fear and scooted to the wall, placing my ear on it. No noise and I sigh in relief, just before I pull my ear away, Scratch scratch scratch and as quickly as it started, it ended. I backed away from the wall and fell off my bed in the process. Close to tears, I run and hide in my closet, pulling piles of clothes on top of me, trying to shut out contact with the outer world.
Instead of saying chided, say I chide
Instead of got, get
and so on
Edited By Redfix on 10/8/2015 at 7:04 PM.
Amarok
Level 75
Terrifyingly Thrifty
Joined: 4/17/2015
Threads: 105
Posts: 2,892
Posted: 10/8/2015 at 11:12 PM
Post #190
Hello. I would like to join this club.
Username: Amarok
How long have you been writing?: On and off for years.
Have you finished any stories/books/collections/etc?: Not yet.
Do you have any stories here? If so, please link them: No.
Are you open to receiving critiques/comments?: Sure. Be honest but not harsh.
Are you open to giving critiques/comments?: Maybe.
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