I'll try building suspense later. I wrote this on Discord, and each post got dangerously close to the char limit.

-It takes place in the real world, and Sylestia is a website.

-Hmm.. I'll try moving down the text.

This is pretty interesting, but some parts sound a bit awkward.

-"Lisa cried out, giving Selene a stern look.
This is a bit weird to me, since Lisa is Selene's daughter, isn't she? Perhaps something like, "Lisa cried, glaring at Selene unhappily" would work better.

-"There's this cool new game!"
That doesn't really fit there, considering Luna says "I want to show you this cool game!" almost immediately after.

-"Luna, I need to sleep. I'll play tomorrow.." Sol said in a drowsy tone.
This sounds a bit strange, since it's Sol's POV. It might make more sense to write "...Sol said drowsily" or something like that.

-A strange wound had appeared on her neck, and she was bleeding fast. "SOL! HELP!" Luna hollered, as she kept bleeding.
I'm pretty sure "...she was bleeding fast" isn't grammatically correct, although I could be wrong. "And she was bleeding really badly" might sound a bit better.
Also, "...as she kept bleeding" sounds kinda awkward, since she would probably continue to bleed until someone stopped the bleeding anyway. Maybe try changing it to "...as blood gushed out of her neck" or something.

-"Wow, you two are jerks! Please go away, I hate you!" Lisa screamed, making Astro shush her.
Maybe remove the "please" here, since insults aren't usually this polite xD

-"Good morning, sweeties! How was your night?" Selene replied.
Um... who's she replying to? "Asked" might make more sense here.

-"...hopped to his room."
Hmm, I think it would be pretty difficult for someone to hop to their room, lol. Maybe "...ran to his room" or something similar. Also, in the next sentence, "Luna followed him the whole way there" might sound smoother.


And, like Spireofbone said, whenever there's dialogue, you start a new line when a different person speaks, for example,
"Hi," Person A greeted cheerfully. "How are you?"
"Hi! I'm doing fine, how about you?" Person B said. They waved at Person C to come join their conversation.
Person C walked up to the group. "Hi! What's up?"

I know this isn't the best example ever, but I don't feel like coming up with something else lol



But I think that this is pretty good overall (not that my opinion matters that much, but y'know-) ^^

Hmmm.. I don't know too much about these, but this seems pretty good to me. There are a few things I think could be improved, however.

Im going to focus on one specific thing that really isn't a big deal, but bothered me.

Don't use the word "tone" so much. It just seems a bit odd and is kind of distracting. Maybe try varying your dialogue tags more in general.

Instead of saying " ___ said in a _____ tone" you could use words like sneered, grimaced, drawled, sobbed, etc. that convey a strong message on their own, without needing to be modified (ex: in a ____ tone) and mix those with some simple said/asked and said + adverbs (ex: she said grimly) and you should be off to a good start.

Said + action is also a good one. For example, you could say, Of course, she said, skimming the pages of a book.

And combine them: Of course, she said absently, skimming the pages of a book.

Oh! And we cant forget tagless dialogue. A conversation in which all dialogue is tagged can become repetitive pretty quick, so definitely try mixing some of these in.

You did use a lot of these at some point in your story ("Lisa giggled, darting across the room." "Lisa cried out, giving Selene a stern look." "Luna bounced up and down in joy." and "Selene said, shaking everyone's hand." are some examples) but, using them more (as opposed to "___ said in a ____ tone") and with more variation could definitely improve your writing.

Heres a random piece of conversation taken from page 90 of The Cruel Prince (by Holly Black) because I happened to be reading it and its a great example of a bunch of these techniques all being used together in a varied manner.

Taryn rolls her eyes. Her voice is acid. Isnt that pretty? Did you make it up yourself?
What is the matter with you? I demand.
She shakes her head. Nothing. Nothing. Maybe it would be better if I thought the way you do. Never mind, Jude. You were good out there.
Thanks, I say, frowning in confusion. I wonder again over Cardans words about her, but I do not want to repeat them and make her feel bad. So have you fallen in love yet? I ask.

This is told in first person present tense, so it is a little different than your story. (distant third person, past tense), but we can still take something from its use of dialogue tags and apply it to your story.

Lets take a closer look at the exact techniques used in each line:
First line: No tag. Dialogue proceeded by action (Taryn rolls her eyes.) and description of tone (Her voice is acid)
Second line: Strong word tag. (I demand) Used at the end.
Third line: No tag. Dialogue proceeded by action. (She shakes her head.).
Fourth line: Simple said + action (I say, frowning in confusion.) Used after dialogue.
Fifth line: Simple. (I ask) used after dialogue.

Variation is key and you can see how much of it Black uses here. No two consecutive lines use exactly the same format. That level of variation is pretty hard to achieve, but even a little can generally help improve anyone's writing.

I probably went a little overboard on this (It really is just a tiny little thing and the story as a whole was pretty good.), but at least its something you'll be able to apply to any writing you do in the future as well.

Anyway, in case I just wasted a bunch of your time and you're annoyed with me, you can blame the writing class whose assigned work I'm currently procrastinating on for stuffing my head full of all that stuff. It was bound to spew out sometime. Looks like you drew the lucky number!

Best of luck with your story!

I'm too lazy to qoute so I jsut reqrote

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