I mean, it's first person.
I'm mainly a third person writer, which is probs why it looks so bad RN.

Have you ever just have writer's block then suddenly write like a huge block of text in one day? Me right now xD! Here's a Prologue for my story Shattered Illusions! I'll put up the old one, which is a couple years old (or even more actually)! Please give me your thought =3

Here is the old and very trashy one =P

Aloka twitched in his bed as he tried to sleep. It was 2:37 AM and he couldn't fall asleep. Sighing he rolled on his back looking on the ceiling. He was exited for his 4th birthday, which was tomorrow. He closed his eyes and tried to fall asleep. He was starting to fall asleep when he heard pots crashing from downstairs. Pulling his blankets off him he jumped out of bed. Pressing his feet into the carpet he reminded himself he had to investigate. Lightly putting his feet on the ground he creeped to his bedroom door. He grabbed the doorknob and turned it slowly. He slowly opened the door and tiptoed down the hallway till he was infront of his parents room. He slowly opened the door and walked in. He expected to see both his parents but he only saw his dad. Stepping next to his dad he crawled on his dads bed and shook his dad awake. His dad had blond hair and brown eyes.
"What do you need Aloka," said his father blinking his eyes groggily.
"Heard noises downstairs, is it mom," Aloka asked looking into his dads eyes.
"Charlotte is still at the hospital picking up rose," Aloka's dad said.
Rose was supposed to be home a month earlier when she was born, but she got sick the day we were supposed to pick her up and had to stay longer then normal.
"Then who's making the noises downstairs," Aloka said looking into his dads eyes before realizing his dad was frowning.
"I'll go check, you stay up here and hide," Aloka's dad said before pulling the sheets of the bed off him and jumping out of the bed.
Aloka slid under the bed and watched as his dad grabbed a silver stick off the cabinet before walking out the door. Crouching under the bed Aloka waited for his dad to rutern.
Where is my dad, Aloka thought after waiting under the bed for awhile.
I'll go investigate, Aloka thought before crawling out from under the bed and stood up.
Creeping to the open door Aloka looked down the hallway, no one was there. Tiptoeing down the hallway he slowly kept down the stairs. When he was at the bottom he krept down to the kitchen. Peeking around the corner he couldn't help but gasp. There were two people carrying the limp body of his dad.
"Dad," Aloka yelled running into the kitchen.
The two people that carrying Aloka's dad turned in surprise.
"I'll take care of the kid you get him out of here," said one of the guys said before placing Aloka's dad on the ground and walking towards Aloka.
Aloka gulped as the guy stepped infront of him.
The other guy grabbed out a weird orb and threw it at the wall. When it hit the wall and doorway appeared. The first guy carried his dad through as Aloka tried to get around the other guy to get to his dad.
"Come on we need to go," the first guy said as he poked his head through the doorway.
The guy infront of Aloka pushed him to the floor before running through the door. Aloka got up and ran for the doorway but by the time he got to the wall the doorway was gone.
"No dad come back," Aloka screamed falling on his knees and crying in his hands.
Aloka then heard the click of the front door and his mom walked into the kitchen holding Rose in her hand. His mother had long curly blond hair with blue eyes. His sister had white hair and gray eyes.
"Where's Ryan," his mom said looking around.
Aloka looked up and realized the kitchen was a mess.
"What's wrong," his mom said realizing he was crying.
"Its dad, hes gone," Aloka whispered before crying some more.
His mom dropped to her knees and cried, cradling Rose in her arms.




And the new one! Yay =P

Aloka snuggled his blankets, letting out a small yawn as he opened his eyes. It's tomorrow! He thought in excitement as he rolled over to look at his small plastic clock that sat on the table next to his bed. Eleven fifty two it flashed on the screen as he squirmed in bed, Eight more minutes! Then I'll be six! He closed his eyes, wanting to fall asleep, but the excitement kept his eyes open and darting around the dark room. Clang! A noise of pots clanging together startled him, making him yelp as he hid under his covers. He stayed still, peeking out again after a minute. Bang! The sound of a gunshot made him whimper, but curious at the same time, Did dad buy a gun? He pushed his blanket away, sitting up and turning so his legs hung above the ground. He let out another yawn, glancing at the clock again, eleven fifty four. His throat felt a bit sore, so he decided to get some milk, I can also check on the noise! He smiled a bit, hopping on the ground as he looked around his room, which was dark. He could see the door, which was glowing a bit at the open space at the bottom of it, so he headed over to it. He creaked open the door, blinking as he got used to the night light in the hallway. Then he walked down the hall, feeling smooth wood under his feet. He yawned again, rubbing his eyes as he looked down the stairs, where he could see a shadow of a person. He stepped down the stairs, moving slowly and quietly. He was starting to shiver a bit from the cold and decided to hurry. He hurried down the last couple of steps, tip toeing over to the kitchen, quiet as possible. The kitchen doorway was on the right, looking ahead like a mighty pathway. He peeked in, gasping in surprise at the sight. In front of them was the seating area, with a wooden table and three chairs, one smaller then the rest. To the left was the actual kitchen, with a granite counter and shelving on the back wall. The oven light was turned on and he could see that there was nothing in it. There was also the block that held knives, with lots of them missing. The light flickered above him ominously, but that wasn't what had surprised him. It was the person that was in the room, with his father. They where wearing mostly black, with a black hoodie, with the hood hiding their face. Not like he would have seen it anyways, the person was facing his dad. They where also wearing black sweat pants and a pair of sturdy boots. The person was pointing something at his father and it took him a moment to realize it was a gun. Are they trying to hurt me dad? He asked himself as glanced at his dad. He father was sitting in one of the chairs, facing the opposite way of the table, towards Aloka and the stranger. He had Aloka's blond hair, which was ruffled. He was wearing a pair of blue pajamas with white stripes and a pair of dark blue slippers to match. His blue tired eyes watched the man before darting over to Aloka. That's when his father froze, looking panicked. Aloka blinked, wondering what had scared him so much, Did I do something wrong? He looked behind him, realizing that the only shadow that cast in the hall that he could have seen from the stairs where his own, Could there have been another person?
"Well, what do we have here," A gruff, low voice inquired next him, making Aloka jump as he turned to see who had talked.
There was a man standing next to the doorway, using the shadows to hide. They where dressed almost exactly as the other person, the only difference was he was holding a orange orb in his hand. It reminded him a bit of an actual orange, but bigger. Aloka finally looked up at the person's face, starting to tremble a bit in fear. They had blue eyes and he could see blond hair peeking out from the hood of their sweater. The thing that scared him the most was the man's beard, which was long, dirty and greasy. He covered his mouth with his hands, taking a step back before turning and running. He was only able to take a couple of steps before he was lifted off the ground.
"Let me go," He said, voice wavering and full of fear.
He squirmed, trying to break free of the person who was holding him, but they kept a firm grip on him. He was carried to the kitchen and placed next to his father, who he ran over to.
"I thought you said no one was home," The other person said with a grin, which made Aloka shiver, "Lying now? Who else is here."
He looked to his father, who looked tense, What are they talking about? I don't like them, maybe if I ask they will leave?
"Just him. I didn't want you to wake him up. His birthday was tomorrow and I didn't want to ruin it," His father said, picking up Aloka, who Aloka eagerly hugged, knowing he would make everything better.
The two people didn't look to happy with that answer, one of them stepping forward as the floor creaked under their feet. Aloka started trembling again as the other man pointed the gun at him.
"Tell me how to open it," The man with the gun hissed, voice aggressive and impatient, "Or I'll kill your kid!"
Aloka stared at the man, What did they mean? What are they trying to open? Are they really going to shoot me?
"Aloka, I need you to go upstairs, okay? You need rest okay," His father asked Aloka as he nodded, jumping down and walking past the two scary people.
He went down the hallway before stopping as he heard his father talk again, "You need me to open it. Don't bother my family again and I'll show you."
Aloka had no idea what was going, so went quickly up the stairs, tripping and falling once he made it to the last step. He caught himself, holding back tears as he ran to his mom's room, opening the door and hurrying inside. The room was lit by a small lamp, that was next to his mom's bed, which was on the far side of the room. He went over, climbing onto the bed and going over to his mom, shaking her awake. He could feel the bed sink a bit under his weight, usually he would enjoy it, but right now he was to scared to notice.
"Mom! There's people with gun! Mom," He shook her shoulder as she opened her eyes, looking groggy and tired, "Dad's in trouble!"
She sat up, rubbing her eyes before looking at him with a confused expression, "Did you have a nightmare again," She asked, voice calm and gently.
"I didn't! Dad is trouble. Come help, please," He begged, eyes darting around the room as if the people would sudden appear in the room.
She nodded, as he went back to her door, waiting for her to follow. She grabbed her glasses off the table, putting them on as she stood and followed. He went back downstairs, hurrying back to make sure his father was okay. He was still shaking a bit, from fear and the cold that seeped into his bones. He hurried over, looking around the corner and letting out a small whimper. The wall on the right was broken and he could see trees and greenery through. It was like a doorway that just appeared out of nowhere. Except, Aloka didn't remember having a forest next to their house, there was only houses. Then he spotted his father and the men in the forest.
"Dad," He called running over as the forest disappeared, leaving him alone in the kitchen, "Dad!"
"What's wrong Aloka? Where is your father," His mom asked behind, but her voice no longer calmed him.
"H-he's gone," He murmured, voice shaking as he felt tears run down his face, "They took him!"
His mother hugged him, but he didn't notice, staring at the wall where his father had been. He was gone...

Wow, what a terrible birthday present: an unexpected - or not too unexpected, depends on if you were actually expecting it - turn of events. Eh, I don't think I'd enjoy my father disappearing to help two strange people on my birthday either way. I'd much rather receive the big block of text about one idea any day.
One thing I'd like to say is good job! The next is, I'd really like to hear the rest of the story!

Username: Pirana
Pinglist?: Yep
Genre of writing?: Fantasy, Scifi, Horror, Basically Anything except nonfiction and NSFW lol
Are you here to improve your writing skills or to Criticize?: Mostly Improve but I might drop in to add my two cents on occasion.
Extra (anything else you want to say): I used to have like 6 different books on Wattpad all at once but I had to unpublish all of them because I lack the determination and patience to finish a whole story like that ^^; Now I only really publish one shots and short stories.

Very cool! I don't know much about Wattpad to be honest! But it sounds like you where quite a writer! I know how you feel, just put a prologue up for my story and people already want more TwT... ahhhhhhhh... please motivation don't jump out a windoooowwwwww

Here is a snippet based off a dream I had! It's kinda like a random part of a book, but I don't really know the rest so I just wrote the part I know! I hope you guys enjoy it =3


"Next challenge will not be easy! A test of magic! Please send your person with the strongest magic up for this next challenge," The show person said, glancing at Tio as if they could see into her soul.
She looked around as her friends glanced at her, obviously thinking the same thing: That she was perfect for this. She let out a small inward sigh, she already had a bad feeling since she had gotten here and every other challenge her friends had gone missing.
"Come on, your the best person to help us win this challenge. To win the Book of Black People," One of her friends, Friday said as he blinked innocently at her with wide green eyes.
"It's called the Book of Black Predo, not people," Her other friend Wingy said as she pushed up her pair of glasses as if it made her look smarter.
Tio nodded in agreement, "It's fine, as long as there is no water I'm fine," She said with a smile, brushing some of her brown hair away from her eyes before standing up.
Everybody seemed to look at her when she stood up and for good reason. She was well known for her powerful magic ability, though she always tried to hide it. She walked forward, stepping up on the stage and beside the other contestant. A boy, who looked confident, overly confident. It caught her off guard in a way, not like she cared. She zoned out for a second as the show person started talking again, something about how hard of a challenge this would be. She looked over at Friday, who gave her a thumbs up. She rolled her eyes, letting one of the people guide her to the private room the tiny contest would happen. It was down a small hallway, which made her feel constricted in a way. She walked to the end of the hallway to a room, which she could barely see inside of. The walls where a dull white. She stepped into the room as the door slammed behind her, making her jump. The room was pretty tiny, about the length of a car to each wall. There were sheets covering something, a bunch of huge bumps was all she could see. She stepped forward again, feeling the bad feeling grow stronger.
"Please don't be scary," She whispered to herself as she crouched down, reaching a hand out to touch the sheet, "Please let it be safe."
She pulled the sheet and let out a surprised gasp. Her friends! The ones in the other contests that had gone missing, they where all here! William, Dumpling and Amber, they where all here! She realized they where all tied up and gagged and hurried to untie them. She helped Amber first since she was squirming to most, quickly taking the gag off so she could speak.
"You dirty rat! Get out of here Tio! Before the dirty rat gets you too," Amber yelled, making Tio flinch and wish she had done Amber last.
"Shhh. Just let me untie you," Tio said with a sigh as she grabbed the ropes, watching them burn apart in her hands.
Amber stood up, shaking the ropes off before going to Dumpling, who looked way too tense like always. Tio went to Willaim, freeing him quickly so he could explain everything.
"You need to leave. It's a trap," Willaim explained quickly, eyes darting around in panic, a rare thing for him.
Tio nodded, going over to the door and trying to open it, locked. It didn't surprise her much, so she did the obvious thing, she punched the door. It cracked and splintered open easily, as she expected. What she did expect was the invisible wall that seemed to block her from moving out the door, a magic barrier.
"I told you! And you didn't believe me," Amber screamed, not helping Tio think at all, "Now they have you too!"
"It's fine," Tio said with another sigh, "I can jus..." She trailed off as water pooled around her feet.
Water was starting to trickle into to the room, much to Tio's dismay. She hated water, even though she was a Halian, a species that could breathe underwater for up to an hour. Except she couldn't, as her friends knew well. Well, sort of, all her friends knew was she hated water.
"I think this is a problem," Dumpling said quietly, his voice shaking, being the very obvious person he was.
"Wow, who would have guessed," Tio said sarcastically, rolling her eyes, glancing at the water nervously.
It was already up to her ankles, which only made her stress out, because she didn't want to scare the others when they thought she was dead. Then she heard it, the sound of footsteps. She turned to look out the open door to see a man, but not any man, her cruel father. His hair was combed weirdly as always, spiked up and frizzy. He was wearing a blue suit that made him look fancy, which he never was and his dark red eyes watched Tio. She froze for a moment, unsure how to react. Then her father smiled, placing a hand on the magic barrier.
"Having fun there," He asked, voice dripping with venom, which made her flinch, "Haven't dropped by to visit for awhile, so I thought this would be the perfect time~!"
She finally moved, taking an uneasy step back.
"Who the hell are you," Amber yelled, stepping forward and punching the invisible wall, "Let us go!"
"I can't do that, but I can offer you an option," Tio's father said with a smile as three bubbles appeared in the room, special ones that allowed one to breathe underwater, "Three. Four of you."
"Well... I don't need one," Willaim said, though she could tell he was lying.
"Yes you do! I don't, I can last an hour down here so I'll be fine," She said grabbing one of them and putting it over Willaim's head before he could protest.
"B-but your scared of water," Dumpling stuttered as Amber grabbed one bubble and put it over his head.
"You put one on as well," Tio said as she handed her the last bubble, which Amber stared at before grabbing and putting over her head.
The water was raising more, already at their wastes. Tio was only more nervous by this, glancing at her father and realizing what he was trying to do. He wanted to get her to show them her defect, something that she hated. He wanted the book and he was ready to kill his daughter to do it. She turned, pulling her friends into a hug.
"Listen to me," She whispered fiercely, feeling the water raising quickly, "You need to warn the others. That man is my father. I can't breathe underwater, going in it puts me in a coma like state."
Willaim nodded, "How do we escape," she was glad he never complained or asked questions.
"I'll teleport you out. You need to wake me up as soon as possible, staying in the state for more then three hours will kill me," She explained as she closed her eyes, imagining the outside of the huge temple they where in, a safe place, "Good luck."
"What are you do-" Amber exclaimed, getting cut off as she disappeared.
Tio opened her eyes, now alone in the room with the water now to her neck. She stared at her father, who seemed shocked, she had never told him she could teleport others.
"They escaped! Find them," He finally said as the water rose higher.
She gave him a satisfied smirk before the water finally reached the roof. She could see dots starting to appear in her vision as she held her breathe, lunges starting to burn. Finally, she took a breath as everything swirled to darkness.

i see some unnesscary capitals and runons. It also goes a bit too fast for me.

cliffhanger?

Unnecessary capitals and runons *shocked gasp* where are they =3? How can I improve *clings to leg* telllll meeeeeee. And to fast? Hm... well... um... how do I make it slower? Oh! I got it, write slower xD

Yes, a cliffhanger, but supposed to be an end of a chapter if this was indeed a story =P

(Feel free to ignore me ^^ Below this, I copied and pasted your story, but I added some changes to it in a different color. You're writing is amazing and the story is captivating, so most of these modifications are simple mistakes, such as small misspellings. For example, when you wrote "did" instead of "didn't". The changes I made are in my own writing style though so they may not flow too well with your story, so I apologize for that in advance. Also, I added notes with most of my changes to explain why I made them. If there isn't a note next to the modification, that's probably because I believed it made the sentence flow easier, but that may just be because of the difference in our styles of writing.)

"This next challenge will not be easy! A test of magic! Please send your teammate with the most powerful magic up for this next challenge," (the "t" should only be capitalized if you placed a punctuation in the dialogues quotations.)the showman (or show-woman) cried, glancing at Tio as though they could see into her soul.
Tio (When shifting to another character, it makes it a bit easier for the reader to comprehend if you place the characters name in the first sentence, then proceed to use she/he pronouns) looked around as her friends glanced at her, they were obviously thinking the same thing; (a continued sentence like this is shown by utilizing an apostrophe followed by a space.) she was perfect for this. She let out a small inward sigh. Already the bad feeling in her gut grew worse, and considering all of her friends participating in the other challenges had gone missing, it was only natural she would feel this way. (The sentence felt a bit wonky, and writing "she too many times in one sentence can become a tad repetitive.)
"Come on, your the best person to help us win this challenge. To win the Book of Black People," one (only capitalize the word following a piece of dialogue if the punctuation is inside the quotations.) of her friends, Friday said as he blinked innocently at her with wide green eyes.
"It's called the Book of Black Predo, not people," her(Same reason as before.) other friend Wingy replied(Using "said" too many times can become repetitive, maybe change it up a bit?^^) as she pushed up her (There was no need for the words "pair of" to be here.) glasses like(the "as" was feeling a bit repetitive.) it made her look smarter.
Tio nodded in agreement, "It's fine, as long as there's(It feels more natural this way since most people don't say "there is" IRL, rather "there's") no water I'm fine," she smiled(Sometimes adding "said" or "replied is just unnecessary.), brushing some of her brown hair away from her eyes before standing up.
Everybody seemed to look at her for no good reason as she stood up.(The structure of the sentence was a little off, it would flow better if the order of the words were to be changed a bit.) She was well known for her powerful magical ability, though she always tried to hide it. She walked forward, stepping up on the stage and beside the other contestant. A boy, he(The "who" just felt off.) looked confident, overly confident. It caught her off guard in a way, but that wasn't her biggest concern. She zoned out for a second as the showman (or show-woman) started talking again, something about how hard of a challenge this would be. She looked over at Friday(The comma was intrusive.) who gave her a thumbs up. She rolled her eyes, letting one of the attendants guide her to the private room in which(something was missing that would better connect this sentence and make it flow easier.) the contest would take place("tiny" was unnecessary, and the sentence seemed a little off.). It was down a small hallway, which made her feel constricted in a way. She walked to the end of the hallway and into a room, which she could barely see inside("of" was unnecessary). The walls were(A small grammatical error.) a dull white. As she stepped into the room(Made a structural change.) the door slammed behind her, making her jump. The room was (The word "pretty" was unnecessary and intrusive.) tiny, each wall was about the length of a car.(Changed the sentence structure a bit.) White sheets were lying ontop of something further into the room; shielding it from her view, but she could still make out several large bumps from whatever was underneath them.(The sentence sounded a bit off.) She stepped forward again, the awful feeling gripping her stomache with more force than before.("feeling" was a bit repetitive in this sentence.)
"Please don't be scary," she(The "S" should be lowercase.) whispered to herself as she crouched down, reaching a hand out to touch the sheet, "Please let it be safe."
She pulled the sheet and let out a surprised gasp. Her friends! The ones that had(There's no need to mention that they were participating in the other contests again.) gone missing, they were(Small grammatical error.) all here! William, Dumpling and Amber, they where all here! She realized they were(Small grammatical error.) all tied up and gagged and hurried to untie them. She helped Amber first since she was squirming to most, quickly taking the gag off so she could speak.
"That(It sounded like Amber was calling Tio a dirty rat.) dirty rat! Get out of here Tio! Before the dirty rat gets you too," Amber yelled, making Tio flinch and wish she had untied Amber last.
"Shhh. Just let me untie you," Tio said with a sigh as she grabbed the ropes, watching them burn apart in her hands.
Amber stood up, shaking the ropes off before going to Dumpling, who looked way too tense. (There shouldbbe a pause here that creates a feeling if exasperation, that can be created by making "like always" into it's own sentence.) Like always. Tio turned to Willaim, quickly freeing him so he could explain.(The sentence structure felt a bit off.)
"You need to leave. It's a trap," Willaim explained in a rush("quickly" was too repetitive.). His eyes darted about nervously, an action not very common to him.
Tio nodded, going over to the door and trying to open it. Locked.(Making "locked" a one word sentence adds a dramatic pause.) It didn't surprise her much, so she did the obvious thing, she punched the door. It cracked and splintered open easily (There shouldn't be a pause here) as she expected. What she didn't(Small grammatical error.) expect was the invisible wall that seemed to block her from leaving the room(Flows a bit better than "moving out the door".), a magic barrier.
"I told you! And you didn't believe me," Amber screamed, disrupting Tio's thoughts, "Now they have you too!"
"It's fine," Tio said with another sigh, "I can jus..." She trailed off as water pooled around her feet.
Water was starting to trickle into to the room, much to Tio's dismay. She hated water, even though she was a Halian, a species that could breathe underwater for up to an hour. Except she couldn't, as her friends already knew("well" was too closely used.). Well, sort of, all her friends understood was that she hated water.
"I think this is a problem," Dumpling said quietly, his voice shaking, he was like an open book that anyone could read with ease.(Sentence sounded a bit off.)
"Wow, who would have guessed," Tio said sarcastically, rolling her eyes as she glanced at the water nervously.
It was already up to her ankles, which only made her stress out, because she didn't want to scare the others when they thought she was dead.(This sentence is a bit confusing. I'm not sure what you were trying to say.) Then she heard it, the sound of footsteps. She turned to look out the open door to see a man, but not any man, her cruel father. His hair was combed weirdly as always, spiked up and frizzy. He was wearing a blue suit that made him look fancy, which he wasn't,(The never is unnecessary and a comma is needed for a pause between the words.) and his dark red eyes watched Tio coldly. She froze for a moment, unsure how to react. Then her father smiled, placing a hand on the magic barrier.
"Having fun there," He asked, voice dripping with venom, causing Tio to flinch, "Haven't dropped by to visit for awhile, so I thought this would be the perfect time~!"
She finally moved, taking an uneasy step back.
"Who the hell are you," Amber yelled, stepping forward and punching the invisible wall, "Let us go!"
"I can't do that, but I can offer you an option," Tio's father said with a smile as three bubbles appeared in the room. But these weren't just bubbles, they were special. They could be used to(Something about the sentence felt a bit off.) breathe underwater, "Three bubbles, four of you."
"Well... I don't need one," Willaim said, though she could tell he was lying.
"Yes you do! I don't, I can last an hour down here so I'll be fine," She said grabbing one of them and putting it over Willaim's head before he could protest.
"B-but your scared of water," Dumpling stuttered as Amber grabbed one bubble and put it over his head.
"You put one on as well," Tio said as she handed her the last bubble, which Amber stared at before grabbing and putting over her head.
The water was still rising, already it was(sentence structure seemed a bit wonky.) at their waists(Small grammatical error). This only put Tio's nerves more on edge.(Structure felt a bit off.) She glanced at her father, realizing what he was trying to do. He wanted to get her to show them her defect, something that she despised. He wanted the book and he was ready to kill his own daughter to get it. She turned, pulling her friends into a hug.
"Listen to me," She whispered fiercely, as the water quickly rose higher, "You need to warn the others. That man is my father. I can't breathe underwater, being underwater puts me in a coma-like(Hyphenate, it's a single word.) state."
Willaim nodded, "How do we escape," she was glad he never complained or asked questions.
"I'll teleport you out. You need to wake me up as soon as possible, staying in the state for more then three hours will kill me," she("S" should be lowercase.) explained as she closed her eyes, imagining the outside of the huge temple they where in, a safe place, "Good luck."
"What are you do-" Amber exclaimed, getting cut off as she disappeared.
Tio opened her eyes, now alone in the room with the water reaching up("now" was repetitive.) to her neck. She stared at her father, who seemed shocked, she had never told him she could teleport others.
"They escaped! Find them," He finally said as the water rose higher.
She gave him a satisfied smirk before the water finally reached the roof. She could see dots starting to appear in her vision as she held her breathe, lungs(Small grammatical error.) beginning("starting" was repetitive.) to burn. Finally, she took a breath as everything swirled to darkness.

(I am by no means a professional writer, so don't take any of this to heart. I just hope it can aid you in improving upon your writing. Especially since you seem to come up with great plots and already have a talent for writing.
Sorry if the way I went about this came off as rude, I just figured it would be easier to understand my tips/ideas if I gave you a visual example like this. You can attack my writing next since I'll probably post a short story I wrote a little while ago after this lol.)

I could use the critique, don't go easy on me! ><
I wrote this short story about a month ago for a contest on Wattpad, but sadly I was too young for my story to be counted as an entry. Hopefully at the very least, a few of you enjoy it ^^ I'd be happy to recieve any advice, tips, criticism, etc, thank you.


Hollow Night

The lantern dimmed just as Mara heard what she thought to be a mewling cat. Startled she sat up from her bed, causing her book to slide off her lap and fall to the floor. The mewls sounded strenuous and pained and Mara had always had a special love for animals, especially cats.

Quickly, she crossed the room in long strides and opened her door. Behind the door was an empty void. A room so dark she could barely make out her hands even after placing them directly in front of her.

The sound of shuffling near the window on the opposite side of the room caught her attention. Gulping down her fear of the night, she stepped into the cavernous room lit only by the moonlight filtering in through the cracks in her window blinds. Brushing the window blinds away with one hand, she tilted her head, leaning it against the cool glass window, feeling herself shiver as the mist clouding the glass dampened her skin.

A sudden wave of panic washed over her as she looked out at the empty streets, causing her to wrap her arms around herself in surprise. It was a feeling of pure incorruptible panic in which she had never felt before. Turning, she looked to the chair by the window and her heart began pounding at her chest. Her lip quivered and her legs quaked as the sudden unexplainable panic ripped through her body with more force than before. Her legs crumpled beneath her, toppling her to the ground.

As Mara lay shaking on the ground, a large black cat crawled out from beneath the chair. It's head was twisted at an odd angle so that it was looking away from Mara even as it made it's way towards her. Instinctively, she sat up as quickly as her trembling body would allow, and began crawling in the opposite direction as she felt her heart jolt and sputter in her chest.

It's once sweet mewl became something more gruesome, something dark and sinister as it's hushed whispers turned into gruff snarls and it's melodic calls to senile shrieks. It's twisted neck turned with a snap! as it's large mangled head reeled towards her. The bones of it's neck cracked and popped as her and the cat finally came face to face.
Immediately, it's eyes captured hers. Where it's shining luminescent eyes should have been, were hollow holes gaping back at her.

Mara stiffened as she felt a strange pull beneath her eyelids. That strange pull turned to white hot pain in an instant as her eyes were torn from her skull. Mara opened her mouth to cry out. To scream. But not a noise came out. Not from her, and not from the once mewling cat, and what was left was darkness, an everlasting night. This moment, replayed in Mara's mind over and over until it was the only thing she could still see with her large gaping black eyes.