I like it, but the ripping eyes out... urgh.

disgusting.

First thing to say; =3. I appreciate that you took the time to fix all the errors and the sentence structure. I don't know why you think it would come off as rude, to me it wasn't rude, actually the opposite in fact. Thank you for the compliments *dies from compliments* I'm glad people like my writing =3. There is only one thing I did not agree with... this... comma that in front of and... what have you done xD? Ok, I'll leave before my mushy brain decides to write something else weird (I have a cold and brain no work xD)

I like the story! I'm sadly not the best at critiquing... but one sentance made me laugh, though I'm not sure why xD. "Gulping down her fear of the night" < This made me laugh, because all I could think of her swallowing the night and being all like "yum, very good". I know this isn't helpful but I had to say it xD. Other then finding that very funny I do like the rest of it! A very good story! Anyways I'll leave now *jumps out window*

Wao I have a thing to share. I'm kinda stuck writing my novel - this is the beginning. At the end of the first book, the main character, Light... I'm not telling you cause you can read it for yourself on my Wattpad, AnakinsLeftShoe.

Anyhow, Light's lost his memory. I know this is kind of an overused trope but I already published the first book and wanted to change things, so guess what? Everything he knew is a lie! The world isn't what it was 500 years ago.

So does this feel too rushed? It's meant to a bit, cause he's woken up and stuff is HAPPENING.

I apologize for any missing punctuation - Sylestia doesn't like when I copy-paste from Google to here. :/ I think I caught them all!

Cold. His body is unmoving, stifled by the icy cold.
Where am I?
He attempts to open his eyes, but the deep blackness is unchanging. He can see her, a bright shine in the darkness.
Luna
"This way, no one suffers." Her soft voice sounds in the halls of Lights mind, and her sad smile wrenches at his heart.
Luna, no
His vision slowly brightens to dark, featureless blue. He tries to move again, and though he can feel his fingers and toes, nothing responds. Panicked, he struggles against the invisible bonds holding him. The blueness lightens considerably, and Light can see fleeting shadows at the edges of his vision.
A sudden crack echoes through the deathly silence, and Light's heart races. Something shakes, and he can feel himself falling. A cool breeze skips across his face, and he blinks, attempting to clear his vision. His lower body feels heavy and numb as he struggles to sit up, rubbing at his eyes.
Light can sense he is alone, but the air is heavy with the static traces of residual energy. He can just barely see, and only in vague shapes and muddled colors. His legs still refuse to move, and he gets the feeling that they are still encased in the blue crystal lying in pieces around him. He fights to get them free, black fingernails scraping uselessly off its smooth surface.
Exhausted by the effort, he lies back, staring sightlessly up at the rocky ceiling. He drifts off into a hazy half-sleep, void of dreams.

It seems like only a moment later when a sharp crack awakens him. He twitches, startled. Opening his eyes, he blinks wearily. The cavern comes into focus, its walls and floor coated in frost and icy fractals. He slowly sits up, body resting on a natural stone pedestal. The floor around it is covered in the remnants of the blue crystal, and pieces of it cling to his clothing and hair. The fur on his upper left arm is covered with silvery ice-dust, and he brushes it off. Large chains hang suspended from the ceiling, broken. Some pieces scatter the cavern, frosted over.
Light swings his now-free legs over the side of the platform, resting his bare feet on the cool stone floor. He stands unsteadily, quadruple wings aching. His legs tremble, and he flips his tail to correct his balance. Overcompensating, he falls, catching himself on his hands and knees. He sits back, curling his tail into his lap with a sigh. It is bigger and stronger than he last felt, meant for more than purely correcting his balance. He runs his fingers through its thick fur and then stands once more. This time, his balance holds.
With a start, he realizes his memory is strangely blank. I know my name, who and what I am, but... nothing else. His hand absentmindedly strays to a turquoise amulet hanging around his neck on a worn leather cord. A crack runs through it, splitting the rune on it in two. Why I'm here, how I'm here... nothing. Except Luna. He slowly crosses the room, wobbling slightly. The doors at the far end are encrusted in ice, polished to a mirror shine. They are barred with a thick slab of metal, inscribed with unfamiliar runes.
Light catches sight of his reflection in the smooth surface, grey-skinned and scarred. Dark freckles form an irregular patch on his nose and left cheek, masking the thinner, almost nonexistent scar on his face. His ebony horns are dull with dusty frost, and he rubs a thumb over them with a sigh. He ties his snow-white hair back in a low, messy ponytail. It seems permanently windblown and hangs in a fringe about his face. His body aches fiercely, and his mouth is dry with thirst. He clears his throat loudly and runs his tongue over his sharp fangs, hoping to alleviate some of his discomfort.
Snapping a spire of clear ice from the wall, he sticks it in his mouth and sucks on it like a flavorless popsicle, all the while surveying the room. An ornate crystal blade is stuck in the ice beneath the pedestal, gleaming in the blue glow of the cavern. He wanders over, brushing his free hand against its hilt. The sword seems more ornamental than practical, but he can sense power within the crystal on its winged handguard.
Light secures his icicle in his mouth and firmly wraps both hands around the hilt, pulling with all his might against the ice binding it. It comes free with a sharp crack, and he stumbles backwards, nearly losing his balance. He steadies himself, admiring the blade in the bluish illumination. It suddenly glows brightly, changing form. The leather-wrapped black hilt is longer now, made for a two-handed grip. The winged handguard becomes a simple handguard carved of a translucent blue crystal, fused seamlessly with the swords metal blade. The angular, single-edged blade is longer and shimmers with a cerulean sheen.
Arondite. That's the name of this blade my birthright. He doesn't know where the name came from. Perhaps he had wielded it before, in a different form.
The blade ignites with a vibrant cerulean flame, spreading to his body in a bright aura. He closes his eyes and lets the energy flow through him in a refreshing torrent, driving off some of his fatigue. It swiftly dies away, leaving the cavern dim once more. Light sticks the blade through his belt and returns to the bolted doors. Why am I locked in here? What did I do? Peering up at them, he sighs. I'm getting out of here.
Light presses a hand to the cool metal, enveloping it in a vise of blue fire. It shatters, and the doors fly open, revealing a long hall and several unfamiliar white-winged figures, watching him. Light steps forward, curious. A wall of translucent golden energy greets him, and he nearly knocks his nose against it. It crackles as he draws close and pokes it with the tip of his blade.
Several of the winged figures advance down the hall, wielding weapons with the same golden aura. A young woman with hair black as coal stops in front of the barrier, inches from him. "Do you know who I am, Light Ragnarok?"
"Should I?" Light deadpans. "I don't even know who I am."
Her yellow-gold eyes flash with annoyance. "Just like your father."
"'Scuse me?"
"Do you know nothing?" she snaps.
"Yeah. Who are you people?" Light asks. "Who's my father?"
"We are the angels. I, specifically, am Ferran. Your father is Vanitas Ragnarok, king of the demon realm, Thrylos."
"And what am I doing here? Where is here?" Light presses. "What's this barrier for?"
"You were imprisoned here, of course. On Earth, the human world. You're dangerous." Ferran raises an eyebrow.
"What do you want with me?"
"Your cooperation, your death... it doesn't really matter to me. But you'll serve your use... some way." She grins, revealing sharp fangs.
"You're-!" Light starts, but a powerful force stops him.
"I'm what, Ragnarok? Silence speaks volumes. Don't talk over it." She releases him from her invisible grasp and walks away. Light watches her go, confused. What is going on here?

Kiwi write stuff xD. Anyways how does he know the stuff is in his hair? Is that just a narrative thing (if it is ignore this)? Also, since this is thee second (I'm assuming) book and I'm guessing that you need to read the first book to understand this (because I haven't read it and am a bit lost xD) writing quadruple wings seems a bit not needed to me because the readers already know he has four wings from the first book... soooooo. I think saying he has four flappers would be more suited for when he admires himself in the mirror thingie.

Anyways I'm going to ignore myself now because I'm bad at criticizing xD and say I think this looks good! I am a bit lost, mostly because I haven't read the book yet, but that's my fault =P. I don't really think it's very rushed, it's more like a wtflip just happened, in a good way =3

Also just pointing this out since you said sylestia messed up grammar... "He doesnt know where the name came from" doesn't just needs the '... anyways I'll leave now *jumps out window*

Hehe most of them are narrative choices. This book can be read as standalone, and I love my descriptions x) There is more explanation after, I just didn't want to post 2K+ words lol.
Dang, I thought I got all the punctuation .-.
Thanks for your input! x) You can read the first book for free (limited time) here. It's kinda a mess because I wrote it in eighth grade, but... it's endearing. In that demon child way. xD

*Reads book* Ah yes, I understand now =P. I like the book, not that bad actually! Something that wasn't boring and actually didn't make me cringe, yay! Something good for a change xD... guess who going to bug their parents to buy the book for them =P

Omg thank you! I'm glad you like it. Some moments make me cringe x) But others are okay. I'm really glad you like it! I know I said that already but it means the world to me! :D If you'd like to keep up to date with the second one, I have this thread!

=3! It was really great, actually reading it really made me want to write about Isa xD... my poor girl. I'm not going to cause I mean... =P... to myself xD. I did really like it! I'm saying it multiple times because I like it xD... will check the thread out when not at work!