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Larkian
Level 75
The Tactician
Joined: 5/15/2018
Threads: 104
Posts: 17,001
Posted: 1/20/2021 at 5:07 PM
Post #611
Added ^^
Hiraeth
Level 75
Hand of Destiny
Joined: 7/14/2015
Threads: 187
Posts: 2,685
Posted: 1/20/2021 at 8:28 PM
Post #612
I would remove some 'buts' and 'alsos.' They tend to interrupt the flow. Also, I know what you're going for with the phrase 'memorial screech' but it's a bit... odd, and at first readthrough readers might not know what you're going for. I'd also replace cringed with recoiled, as nowadays cringe can have other meanings.
I'd rewrite the sentence as 'She didn't feel corporeal at all.'
If this is a standalone snippet, I'd remove the character's name as well, but that's just a personal choice. Also, what does system refer to? Star system? Computer system? I'd specify that a bit.
Altogether, I think it's an interesting bit of prose. :)
Rashomon
Level 62
Trickster
Joined: 2/14/2020
Threads: 179
Posts: 7,362
Posted: 1/20/2021 at 9:08 PM
Post #613
Same omg - like WHO says "OoOoOoO lOokIe at the bLuE sKy iT's dEePeR thAn mY sOUl"
But the Hunger Games though??? Like wth??? "I stare at Gale's eyes, they're so blue" or smth...tbh I've never stared into my crush's eyes and thought "Woah his sexc eyes eek" but I guess that's my own opinion? I'm really picky with romance lmao
Hiraeth
Level 75
Hand of Destiny
Joined: 7/14/2015
Threads: 187
Posts: 2,685
Posted: 1/20/2021 at 9:12 PM
Post #614
Right? It's terrible. I seem to remember hunger games not being *that* bad, but I don't recall completely.
Rashomon
Level 62
Trickster
Joined: 2/14/2020
Threads: 179
Posts: 7,362
Posted: 1/20/2021 at 9:15 PM
Post #615
Thank you omg - nobody agrees with me about 1st person pov @-@
Hunger Games wasn't *that* bad, yeah...but now I'm just like eww
But the Maze Runner? Different story - I'm still crying over that waa
Hiraeth
Level 75
Hand of Destiny
Joined: 7/14/2015
Threads: 187
Posts: 2,685
Posted: 1/20/2021 at 9:32 PM
Post #616
Maze runner? Never heard of it x)
Yeah it was a good story but... too convoluted to be told in 1st person. :/
Rashomon
Level 62
Trickster
Joined: 2/14/2020
Threads: 179
Posts: 7,362
Posted: 1/20/2021 at 9:33 PM
Post #617
What
What
What
What
What
Hiraeth please tell me you've heard of it at least once
What
What
:'(
It was...*agreement*
Hiraeth
Level 75
Hand of Destiny
Joined: 7/14/2015
Threads: 187
Posts: 2,685
Posted: 1/20/2021 at 9:35 PM
Post #618
I've heard of it lol. It's just a bit convoluted and I couldn't get into it xD
Rashomon
Level 62
Trickster
Joined: 2/14/2020
Threads: 179
Posts: 7,362
Posted: 1/20/2021 at 9:39 PM
Post #619
It's not too convoluted imo - but we all have our own opinions :)
I'm still crying over it though - the book itself was really sad in the last two books...then I made the mistake of watching the movie, which was even sadder...I get really attached to certain characters in books for some reason, like nobody understands why and tbh I don't either, but there's a character called Newt that I really, really loved, and stuff happened, the book made me sad, the movie made me sadder :')
Hiraeth
Level 75
Hand of Destiny
Joined: 7/14/2015
Threads: 187
Posts: 2,685
Posted: 1/20/2021 at 9:52 PM
Post #620
I actually think I skipped a book lmao. That would explain it lol. I just can't get into anything like I did, which sucks. :/ I used to be able to read an entire series in two days (cough cough anything by Rick Riordan) but now I just can't and it's sad. I've had the same book sitting on my desk for the past three months, four chapters in. It's good, but... hehe
anyhow.
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